Easter Bunnies Are Creepy (And Egg Hunts Suck)

I mean, Easter is a fine holiday. We’re not religious around here, so it’s mostly a day of candy (for me) and some eggs and bunnies and stuff for Henry.

But can I ask, why do costumed Easter bunnies have to be so damn creepy? I mean, look at that picture! Is any toddler ever happy to be held by a giant rabbit wearing clothes? I think not.

I woke up on Saturday morning and realized that we hadn’t really done anything for Easter. I hadn’t gotten him a basket. I had no plans for giving him candy. We hadn’t gone to an Egg Hunt yet, and all we’d done is paid $10 for 3 minutes of “bunny petting time” the previous weekend. Since Henry had a slight fever, I decided we’d just go down the street to the Tierrasanta Community Park and check out their Egg Hunt. Toddlers under 3 are free, and it started at 10:30, a convenient time before lunch and nap. Score.

I figured it would be a nice, quaint, church-run, hunt with a couple dozen kids and maybe a bounce house or two. Boy, was I wrong.

Turns out, times have changed since I was a child. Easter egg hunts are now massive celebrations of land-grabbing. Hundreds of people will be there. The parking lot will be so full, you’ll have to walk 6 blocks from your car. Your small toddler will be lucky to get a single egg, much less enough to fill a basket. There will be adults screaming at their children, telling them to hurry up and steal as many as possible from the other kids. There will be zero actual “hunting” because it’s just hundreds of eggs thrown onto a flat grass field that everyone gathers around and waits until they’re told to “go”. That under 3 category your kiddo is in? It will be bum-rushed by 6 year olds that are totally willing to knock your small tyke over to get as many of those coveted eggs as possible.

The entire egg hunt? It will last like 90 seconds. Your toddler, if they’re young like mine, will be stunned and overwhelmed and it will all be over before they even figure out what’s going on.

Oh well, at least he got one egg.

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